Sketching out the dreams and desires of a 29 year old middle school music teacher, with tiger stripe hair.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
But he that dares not grasp the thorn should never crave the rose. ~Anne Bronte
A rose is the visible result of an infinitude of complicated goings on in the bosom of the earth and in the air above, and similarly a work of art is the product of strange activities in the human mind. ~Clive Bell
It has been a long day. One I did not expect to take up so much of my time. I had no idea the picture I took this morning of my mother's garden (the rose is called a Peace rose) or the quotes I chose would have such an impact on my day.
If one does not reach out, how can one expect to grab onto what one wants? You cannot expect to reap rewards for which you do not also accept the pain. I have been living as a recluse for about two years now, though few people would actually recognize that. My most intimate, close relationships are with people on the internet. And while some I have met in person and our friendship withstood that test, I have very few bonds like that in my real life. If I don't risk the chance of being rejected and hurt again, how can I expect to find the intimate moments I can share with another? I don't mean sex, though someday I wish to have that connection with someone. I mean the deep intellectual connect, spiritual moments that lead to connections. I rarely, if at all, have that anymore. I have a hard time reaching out, because I am constantly plagued by memories of pain. But what is pain without pleasure?
Everything is connected to each other. Me to you, to the air, to the ocean. We are all energy, all of us connected to each other in a multitude of invisible strands. And today, I was given the chance to see that. My body does not always function as it should, especially as a woman. And, so far, there is no medical reason for it. But today, I was at a conference and experienced someone perform Reiki on me. When the woman put her hands to my head and heart, shoulders and back, I felt a sensation not unlike cooling bubbling water within my body. And when I got home, my body that has been betraying me released. I experienced a new beginning today, like the Peace rose waiting to bloom, my body relaxed.
I am grateful for the angel who touched me today. I can only hope to be able to reach out and feel that touch again, and share it with those I know and love.